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I am clinically depressed. Have been for about 10 years now. There have been some really rough patches and moments when I never thought I would make it this far. I have been on some form of anti-depressant medication for at least half of those 10 years. I have seen various therapists, psychiatrists and other doctors. This is something I live with and fight with everyday.

Some days are wonderful. I manage to function like a fairly “normal” human being, although let’s face it, anyone who knows me knows I am anything but normal. I can go months without really being too concerned about my depression. But it comes back. It always does. And it changes. Sometimes I don’t want to leave my bed, sometimes I bite the heads off of people I care about, sometimes I have panic attacks. It changes because I change.

After 10 years, I am capable of recovering from a spell fairly quickly for the most part. It usually happens because I’m not eating properly, sleeping properly, getting enough exercise and then there might be some sort of external stress factors like school or work or relationships. If I manage to correct the physical aspects,  it gives me a bit more head space to deal with the emotional aspects.

Recently I have been struggling with how my depression affects the relationships I have with others and how it affects my relationship with myself. To be able to deal with my depression I have had to recognize that it is a part of me and always will be. Because of the way my body is made, I will always be vulnerable to depression. The question is, does that mean it has to define who I am? Of course not. There are many other aspects to me, my tastes, my opinions, the things I study, the things I can’t stand.

Having had this as a part of almost half my life, depression has touched a lot of those things. Watching the movie Prozac Nation is incredibly difficult for me in a way it cannot be to anyone who hasn’t experienced this. I can’t read Irvine Welsh anymore because I read a few of his books during a really horrible time for me. I can’t listen to certain songs without feeling an incredible sadness for the opportunities that I’ve lost because of my depression, because I couldn’t leave my bed, because my parents couldn’t trust me to be out of the house.

But there are moments, like the calm after a storm, when I realise the opportunities that my depression has given me. To be more open, to be independant, to be strong and aware of others. To understand my body, recognize what is happening with it and be so intune to how my physical health affects my mental health. And it is in moments like this that I realise that I wouldn’t trade my depression for the world because it has given me the perspective I have and the grace to let that perspective change.

I’m not sure how many of you out there in the internet world read this blog, but to anyone who is feeling depressed or hopeless, it gets better. It will always be there, but YOU can make it better. Try to eat right, get enough sleep, and exercise. It does wonders. And don’t be afraid to talk to someone. They can help you get through it.

Night everyone. Need to get my beauty rest.