Like something out of a movie…

Our relationship was very boy-next-door/girl-next-door, growing up together, then strained by the long distances when I moved away, visiting on occasional weekends but the time apart changed us both and now we have our memories, but it just isn’t the same…

In case you didn’t realise, I’m talking about my love affair with Toronto. Tonight we had our last fling. After putting on my new $17 pants and $10 shoes (both purchased from Honest Ed’s this afternoon), I walked up my street, past the church where I was baptised, had my first communion and was confirmed. My first initiation into religion and spirituality. Through little Italy (so much trendier now than when I was little), up to the Annex where I spent many a night during my highschool days at the Second Cup with now estranged friends (how fitting that another estrangement should happen in the same neighbourhood only a couple years later). I do like the BMV books they put in there, but I suppose it’s for a different generation of Annexers. Past St. George and the new Varsity Stadium, the area my “best friend since she was 2 and I was 3″ now lives (last I heard). They tore down the Mr. Sub, the cheapie store, the Harveys and the bar along that strip. I’m guessing it’s going to be condos or maybe a hotel. Past my mum’s office into Yorkville (as trendy as ever) to the Cumberland theatre to have a last movie by myself (something I started in high school as an excuse to get out of the house and have a cigarette). I saw Fauteuils d’Orchestre, which was wonderful and felt quite appropriate at this point in my life. I will really miss the Cumberland. They have all the best movies.

On my walk home I stopped at Greg’s to get some roasted marshmallow icecream, but they were all out, so I had to settle for malted vanilla which, it turns out, tastes almost exactly the same! And of course the fudge sauce. Mmm. Another thing I will miss. And I gave a dollar to one of my favorite homeless people (he’s always so polite and friendly and even flattering and I genuinely feel bad when I have nothing to give him).

So we’ve had some good times and some bad. We’ve both changed, for better or for worse, who’s to say? I will miss being able to come visit whenever I feel homesick, I will miss that feeling of pride coming in off the Gardiner and seeing our incredible skyline (I still think it’s the best in the world), I will miss walking through this city and feeling safe – even if I shouldn’t – because it’s all so familiar. Maybe some day I will come back, maybe I’ll teach here, maybe I’ll settle down and start a family here, but for now it’s all memories that are too painful to deal with.

So Goodbye Toronto. I’ll see you again soon, holidays and family visits and the like. And I guess all that’s left to say is Hello Montreal.

Sitting in a coffee shop…

Having moved all my stuff (minus clothes, shoes and my alarmclockradio) to Montreal this weekend, my apartment is now computerless. Sarah asked if I wanted to meet up at Williams (she’s here studying with a friend) so I stopped in and she offered me the use of her laptop to check email and so forth.

5:30 April 15th, 2007

Sitting on the floor in my empty room in Hamilton amidst piles of clothes and the empty bags that they will soon fill. Just devoured a salad from a tupperware container with a borrowed fork. I feel like I could devour the world right now and I would enjoy every bite. I’m feeling very appreciative of life and all its flavours. My mind is racing, but writing helps to pin the thoughts down, especially with the slow methodical pen strokes. I thought I didn’t have a pen, but I found one holding my page in a sudoku book that was a christmas present from an ex-boyfriend. I told people I would call when I got home, but I’m enjoying this moment of being disconnected. No distractions, a moment of rest from this hectic period of change. At the same time I love being in transition. I’m both terrified and excited for the next thing. I can’t stop thinking and planning for Montreal and how I’m going to arrange this in my apartment and getting a job and figuring out what to do about the wireless internet and my wired computer (I want a laptop but I just can’t afford it right now) and changing my number from 905 to 514 and should I stay with Telus or wait and hope to get a deal with Fido if I get a job with them and on and on and on. I made a list and I feel more organized but there is just so much to do before I get there and I almost don’t want it all to get done because I am loving this high. It’s exhausting but I don’t want it to end, I don’t want that low. I don’t want to say goodbye but I don’t want to bring the past with me. I don’t want things to be the same as they are now even if some of it is too good to be true. I want to go to Montreal with no restrictions and just live my life as well as I can. Talking to Tara today I feel so connected, so similar, so exactly the same in the way we were feeling despite how different our situations are. The scared, giddy happiness, dreading the “end” of the transition, just wanting to keep moving on, doing what feels right. Standing in a crowd of people and not worrying about how I got there or where I’m going next but loving being there at that moment and feeling safe and confident that the world will take me where I need to go and if it doesn’t I’ll do it myself, damn it!

Reading On the Road is perfect right now. Having Little Pieces in my head is perfect right now, particularly “when I was a girl well I didn’t much care about why I was where I was or how I got there”. I’m gathering my pieces now so later, when I’m taking a bath someday down the road, regrouping, I can wonder at them and know that I did what was right for the moment and not regret a thing.

Going to call the boy now and enjoy some of our last moments together in Hamilton. See ya on the flip side!

PS. Pigeons are wise beyond their looks. She’s goin’!

After writing that I called the boy, organized the piles of clothes and few items I have left here, did some sudoku puzzles while snacking on robin eggs and then had a little nap. I’m quite content. Gonna log off of this and head over to the boys house for the evening. I’ll be spending a lot of time there this week.

One more thing before I run off…  do people have me in their feed readers? Or are you guys checking out the actual page? Just curious. Thanks!

RIP Kurt Vonnegut

 ”Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It’s hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It’s round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you’ve got about a hundred years here. There’s only one rule that I know of, babies — ‘God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.’”

You said it Mr. Vonnegut. Thanks for the stories.

For all the references to rockstars…

I’m not going to write a full post at the moment cause I’m feeling a bit down, what with all the reminders of my leaving Hamilton (empty shelves surround me) and the gross weather and sadness about the boy.

Anyway, this thought just popped into my head while listening to C.C. Chapman’s Accident Hash.

“I always tell the girls, never take it seriously, if ya never take it seriosuly, ya never get hurt, ya never get hurt, ya always have fun, and if you ever get lonely, just got to the record store and visit your friends.”

This is what podcasting is for me. While the sweet sounds of Lee Coulter and David Ipolito aren’t quite making me feel better, having CC share this music with me makes me feel less alone and a little less scared about the move.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so excited to be moving to Montreal. I just think it’s really hitting me how much of a change it’s going to be. 5 hour bus ride home as opposed to 45 minutes. Knowing very few people in the city. Not yet knowing what I’m going to be doing. I know it will all be great and I’ll meet people and I’ll get to see John all the time and I’m doing this for me. It’s just… the transition.

Anyway, thanks CC for Accident Hash (http://www.accidenthash.com). And thanks Bill (http://www.deys.ca/) for asking if I’ll be at PAB. I hadn’t really recognized this until today, but this community has offered me so much support and sent me so much love. I really appreciate it. Thank you to everyone who has been helping me get to Montreal.

I will definitely make a post-podcamp nyc post soon. I have a list of things! It’s just on paper and I have studying to do for my last exam tomorrow (eek!) and my dad’s rented a truck to help me move on Friday, so I’m a tad busy. The computer is going to Montreal with the rest of my heavy stuff (desk, books, cds, dishes, shoes, etc). Basically just clothes staying with me for the two weeks following. I’ll be online at work; my boss is intrigued by twitter and facebook so I can get away with those, but I doubt there will be any posting on the blog. So the next time I post might actually be from Montreal.

You guys are my rockstars. Thank you.

How/Why do you add twitterers?

Just a quick post before I get started at work.

I have had some people add me on twitter who I don’t really know and I’m kind of curious as to why me? So I asked the question on twitter and I’m looking forward to seeing the answers.

But I figure I should probably answer myself first. I add anyone back who has added me (and if I haven’t added you back it’s likely cause I thought I did and then I forgot, so you can send me a message if I haven’t added you back and I will do so asap). I do that cause I want to know the people who want to know me. Most of the people I have added I have met in person, but some people are friends of friends who have been mentioned in twitters in an interesting context. I like to have different perspectives and see the world in a positive way, so if people seem to fall in that category I will add them. But to be honest I don’t really add many people that I have gone and searched for myself, mostly cause I’ve been busy with school and stuff, but maybe if I find myself with some freetime I will go and read twits by random folks and see what I like.

That’s all. If you have an answer for me, reply here, or add me on twitter (charlotteann) and twit your response!

Working now. Later folks!