Tant va le cachalot que le dauphin se lasse. ~ Nik-Nouk

Just a quick couple of things I thought I’d share.

First, my friend Pat has this awesome blog. http://www.freedomisacupcake.blogspot.com/ He writes stuff. It’s cool. Anyway, he asked for a descripton of what it would be like to run a water filtration plant and I responded. I think it’s important for everyone to feel like they’re saving the world. I think we can do that with language and communicaton and we can do that by doing little things like recycling, turning off the lights when you leave a room, walking to the store instead of driving, holding the door for someone, saying “Bless you” when someone sneezes. Take care of the pence and the pounds will take care of themselves, or as we say in linguistics, take care of the sens and the sounds will take care of themselves.

The second thing would be this: http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=ichannel I really get the feeling this is an ad for an Iphone or something like that, but even if it is, it’s done in such a way that I am intrigued and it involves connecting with the audience in a way that they can respond and interact and affect the show. It’s pretty cool. Check it out yo.

The apartment hunt continues. Waiting to hear about a couple places, both of which are really nice and in my price range and have some sort of connection to my brother – one a former student of his, the other is in a class with a girl he knows. Got a connection to a job. Hoping that works out. It sounds good anyway.

School is a bit blah, enjoying work and spending time with le boy and reading. Don’t mind reading for school, just mind going to class. So very dull compared with the books. More students need to participate in class discussion. That would improve the situation. I hate being in a class full of people and having only the prof and a couple other students who are actually interested. Sometimes the prof doesn’t even care! And this is why I skip classes. Which is a shame really. When I am in class I tend not to shut up though. I’m a very opinionated young lady.

That’s all. Hope everyone is well.

Good things: my brother is going to law school, I have a really great relationship with le boy at the moment, Montreal is going to be awesome, the weather’s getting warmer, I may make it to Podcamp NYC after all.

Plans and things…

So first of all, thanks to all you who replied to my last post. I’m glad it resonated/touched/helped people.

I’m very close to being done at Mac. I can taste it. And while I’m really not done and I should likely focus on the last few assignments I will have to do for my BA, I’m trying to figure out where I will be living in less than two months, and I’m trying to figure out what I will be doing with my time. My brother posted something on his blog a week or so ago that really resonated with me. He just got accepted to law school and he’s having trouble focusing and getting motivated to finish some of the things he’s working on now. It’s hard to live in the present when you’re planning your future. This is part of the reason I left one of my jobs (a falafel place), because it was stressing me out and not bringing in that much money. I probably could have used the extra dollars but I’m just not there right now.

I’m spending a lot of time checking things out on craigslist, looking for a place to live and checking out the jobs too. I have emailed a couple people about housing but it’s hard to really find a place when I’m not in the city yet. I’ve been updating my LinkedIn profile with help from Chris Penn, but being busy with school and catching up on hours at my job at the library, it’s hard to sit down and get it all done. I’m almost there though.

I’ve been thinking about what I might like to do. Chris was suggesting some things I could put in the “specialties” category, unfortunately none of them are really capabilities I have. I’m really not all that tech-savy. I’m much more of a user than a creator. But that got me thinking about a comment someone made (I don’t remember exactly who, but I believe it was someone at podcamp TO) about my feedback being useful as someone who doesn’t actually podcast, but who is a part of the community. I tend to do that a lot. I have no musical talent whatsoever, but I often voice my opinions to Jay and the others about Uncle Seth and things I think work for them or don’t. And they seem to take my suggestions to heart. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I’ve been around them for long enough that I know their sound and they trust me. I’m good at helping others flesh out their work and getting people to their full potential. So, I was thinking maybe something along the lines of a tester or editor or something.

Other things I would like to focus on/get done:

- doing the readings I signed up for on LibriVox. I still need to figure out how to get a cleaner sound when recording with this mic. Like I said, not all that tech-savy.

- make up the midterm I missed due to panic attack last week which was caused by caffeine withdrawl and sleep deprivation… 5 cups of coffee and 6 hours of sleep and I have a panic attack? Rubish, I say.

- spend more time with le boy, but he is just as, if not more busy than I am. Weekend maybe?

- finish reading the various books in my pile and maybe get some new ones. If I can afford them.

- get a hair cut!

- go swimming or go for a run. This one is actually doable in the near future. Gotta have at least one of these on the list.

- go to bed. Check. Night blogsphere!

Déprimée

I am clinically depressed. Have been for about 10 years now. There have been some really rough patches and moments when I never thought I would make it this far. I have been on some form of anti-depressant medication for at least half of those 10 years. I have seen various therapists, psychiatrists and other doctors. This is something I live with and fight with everyday.

Some days are wonderful. I manage to function like a fairly “normal” human being, although let’s face it, anyone who knows me knows I am anything but normal. I can go months without really being too concerned about my depression. But it comes back. It always does. And it changes. Sometimes I don’t want to leave my bed, sometimes I bite the heads off of people I care about, sometimes I have panic attacks. It changes because I change.

After 10 years, I am capable of recovering from a spell fairly quickly for the most part. It usually happens because I’m not eating properly, sleeping properly, getting enough exercise and then there might be some sort of external stress factors like school or work or relationships. If I manage to correct the physical aspects,  it gives me a bit more head space to deal with the emotional aspects.

Recently I have been struggling with how my depression affects the relationships I have with others and how it affects my relationship with myself. To be able to deal with my depression I have had to recognize that it is a part of me and always will be. Because of the way my body is made, I will always be vulnerable to depression. The question is, does that mean it has to define who I am? Of course not. There are many other aspects to me, my tastes, my opinions, the things I study, the things I can’t stand.

Having had this as a part of almost half my life, depression has touched a lot of those things. Watching the movie Prozac Nation is incredibly difficult for me in a way it cannot be to anyone who hasn’t experienced this. I can’t read Irvine Welsh anymore because I read a few of his books during a really horrible time for me. I can’t listen to certain songs without feeling an incredible sadness for the opportunities that I’ve lost because of my depression, because I couldn’t leave my bed, because my parents couldn’t trust me to be out of the house.

But there are moments, like the calm after a storm, when I realise the opportunities that my depression has given me. To be more open, to be independant, to be strong and aware of others. To understand my body, recognize what is happening with it and be so intune to how my physical health affects my mental health. And it is in moments like this that I realise that I wouldn’t trade my depression for the world because it has given me the perspective I have and the grace to let that perspective change.

I’m not sure how many of you out there in the internet world read this blog, but to anyone who is feeling depressed or hopeless, it gets better. It will always be there, but YOU can make it better. Try to eat right, get enough sleep, and exercise. It does wonders. And don’t be afraid to talk to someone. They can help you get through it.

Night everyone. Need to get my beauty rest.

The things I will do for the chance at lots of money…

Oh man. This is SO ghetto. I hope it’s so bad that it’s good. It might just be bad. Oh well. Here’s hoping it’ll win me $25 000, $10 000 or even $5000. I hope I’m not breaking any laws with this thing. This was fun. And I hope you all enjoy seeing me first thing in the morning.

Oh, by the way, it’s kind of quiet. You might want to turn up the volume.

Click To Play

This is my entry for the Network2 video contest (www.network2.tv) Made this with my digital camera, my crappy mic and a free trial of a video editing program. I feel like a commercial for them. Ugh. This is why I need to win the money! So I can afford to buy my own video editing program! Enjoy!

Podcamp NYC needs help!

I’m not even sure if I can make it (although I definitely WANT to be there, just a possible lack of funds due to starving student syndrom), but I hear it’s gonna be awesome with 91 sessions (holy cow!!!) and shit, it’s NYC! Why wouldn’t you want to go?

Anyway, apparently they’re running a little low on funds too (and they can’t really go home to their parents to do laundry and steal food), so if you can help them, do it! It’ll be good karma.

http://www.podcampnyc.org/wiki/index.php?title=Sponsor_PodCamp_NYC

 In other news, I think I might be Hindu. And by that I mean my views seem to coincide with theirs on things spiritual. I think this calls for some research!

Life of Pi is a great book. I’m really enjoying it thus far.

I swear I will record something soon. I just have this boyfriend who seems to want to hang out with me all the time. What’s up with that? Maybe I’ll convince him to do a video with me for the Network2 contest. Go to http://pulver.com/contest to get more details, or check out Chris Brogan’s blog over at chrisbrogan.com for some cute promo videos. And by cute I mean hilarious and dangerous. I don’t recommend filming while driving. Those guys are BAD BAD men.

So, enter the contest, win the money, give it to Podcamp NYC. That’s my plan anyway. Ok, well, maybe not ALL the money.

Musique: une pompe à gonfler l’âme

The worst part about getting back to reality is somehow trying to manage to incorporate the things you’ve learned while you were gone. I’ve spent the last few days trying to keep on top of all the blogs (www.dosemagazine.com, www.chrisbrogan.com) and podcasts (not even gonna list them cause there are just too many, but CC’s Accident Hash and Bill’s Country Cast are up there) and things I was introduced to this weekend, not to mention new social networking tools (twitter, linkedin, etc). That and spending time with le boy, catching up on the 10 hours of work I missed last week (plus my regular ten hours), and, hm, something else… oh yeah! School. Anyway, I think I’ve managed ok.

Last weekend was incredible. Friday night was spent with le boy and some of his friends from highschool. We ended up in someone’s appartment near Niagara and Richmond, smoking and drinking and listening to people spin (the girl who lived there is a DJ and so is one of the other guys we were hanging out with). It’s been awhile since I’ve chilled like that. Well, there was that time a few weeks ago, but I was less comfortable with le boy and it was after a night of bar hopping so it was less relaxed and more end of the night right before passing out kind of chilling.

Anyway, Saturday morning I was pretty hung over and I still had copious amounts of laundry to do from the Montreal trip, so I stayed home. Thank god for the live feed of the Podcamp sessions, or I would have schlepped over there so as not to miss anything and it wouldn’t have been as good as it was. I enjoyed the sessions, particularly the one about podcasting in schools. It would really be a great tool for students learning French - actually it would be a great tool for students in general. The schmooze fest that night was awesome too. Uncle Seth has a new sound, but it’s not a huge departure from where they were. I really enjoyed one of Mike’s songs. It was beautiful. I did merch, as usual. Sold quite a few cds and some tshirts. One fellow was a little too friendly all evening… kind of a shame, cause he seemed nice enough but it was clear there was only one thing on his mind. The agressive pursuit of various women at the same time is something women tend to notice and you are always more likely to get good results by presenting yourself as a friend rather than a “lover” or however you might phrase that. The night was enjoyable regardless of the uncomfortableness when everyone shoved off to bed. I don’t know if I’m happy or disappointed that there wasn’t a repeat of the events from Boston. It’s kind of nice to think about what could have been though.

I feel like I got more out of this Podcamp than the one in Boston. Back then I was still feeling like I needed to sit back and watch. It was much more of a social thing. This time I participated a bit more cause I was more comfortable - knowing people helps with that. I felt like I learned more, but also I felt like a lot of this stuff was innate to me. Everything everyone was saying about networking and community building and putting out positive energy for others, not for you, and getting so much in return… I get that. I love that!

So I’ve been inspired. I’ve been thinking about this since the first Podcamp and I think I’ve finally decided what I will podcast about. I couldn’t help but notice that whenever someone was talking about a new tool or a particular angle, I would say something to the effect of “That would be great in French!” I don’t think I’m quite knowledgable enough to do a podcast about podcasting, something I mentioned in the This Week in Geek podcast I was featured in. (By the way, those guys are super sweet and they had a really great discussion about podcasting and podcamp, so you should go check out their site – thisweekingeek.net) And I feel like I’m constantly recommending things to people… movies, books, and songs or bands. If you’ve read the book The Tipping Point, you might know the terms maven and connector. Now, I really don’t think I’m up on everything that is new, but I do tend to be a “gatherer of information and impressions” and I don’t really have a single tight knit group of friends, I rather float through groups and hang out with as many different people as possible. I don’t have a lot of influence with these people necessarily, but I have convinced quite a few people to listen to a particular podcast or join facebook or read a certain book or listen to a new band. Anyway, I think the best podcast for me would be one where I can pass on new and fun things, particularly French music. I was going to call it Une pompe à gonfler l’âme (from the quote by Milan Kundera), but as Chris Penn pointed out, that might be hard for people to figure out and subscribe to. So I went with an English version: Pump up the spirit. I like it cause it’s from that quote and therefore has to do with music, but it’s also great because I feel like that’s something I’m good at. I can get people pumped. I put out that positive energy and hope that it makes someone feel good. So that’s kind of my goal with this podcast.

The only problem now is managing to actually record something. My boss gave me an old mic he had lying around (seriously, if you ever need ANYTHING, ask me and I’ll ask my boss. The man has everything in the shop) and I did some testing last night, but it sounds scratchy. It was really late though so I didn’t have much time to fiddle around with it. And now I’m sitting in le boy’s office while he does school work and he’s trying to convince me to do some of mine, but I think I will leave it. I don’t have classes tomorrow (and of course there’s the possibility of a snow day anyway) so I’m thinking I’ll get stuff done this weekend. Maybe.

Other things happening this weekend: tomorrow night hanging out with le boy and friends of his that I like (!!!), Saturday possibly seeing Hair (I promised Mario I’d go see him be a transvestite, kind of a hard promise on which to reneg) and Sunday I’ll be in Toronto at the Flynn Family Crokinole Championships (we’re all a lil bit nuts in this family).

Reminder of the day: it’s important to clean your computer! If your computer is physically dirty (keyboard, mouse, inside the tower or whathave you), that puts pressure on the system because it can’t cool properly or it has to work harder to figure out what you’re trying to type or which way you’re rolling the mouse. You’d be surprised at how dirty some people let their computers get. This has been brought to you by 4 hours of cleaning staff computers at the library. Man, people are gross.

Reading week

I have had a brilliant week. Actually, I have had a brilliant… month? I’m not sure if it’s been that long, but the moral is things have been pretty great as of late.

I finally got all my marks all sorted out and my average is looking good. It seems that before the break I had appointments with someone everyday and now I’m going to be much less busy but that’s good I think because I have developped quite the pile of books that I want to read. Before I get into the events of the past week I’m going to go through that list.

One I just finished is Ladykillers by Charlotte Gill. It was incredible. Very Canadian feel to it, most of them are about women, but there are some men too and all of the characters are so real and complexe in slightly bizarre ways. The writing is just incredible. I highly recommend it. Before that I finished Betrayal by the Marquis de Sade, which was quite good. Very mean, but funny and of course well written. I’m just starting Life of Pi (I know, I’m SO behind the times), and I have On the Road (Jack Kerouac), Walden (Thoreau), The Te of Piglet and Les Liaisons Dangeureuses (Laclos) and Le Colonel Chabert (Balzac) on the go (I read based on mood, so I always need to have some choice). Plus school reading, which includes La Princesse de Clèves (Madame de Lafayette) and some of La Fontaine’s Fables, and Alice au pays du langage (Yaguello).

So I headed up to Montreal for reading week to visit with my brother and look at appartments. SO much happened and I have so many stories, but I think maybe I should just give the basics. Got there Saturday night, had poutine and searched the ads for rent. Sunday Cameron came up and the three of us went to the McGill v. Concordia hockey game. Monday went to the Barenaked Ladies concert (at which Andrew Kreegan made an appearance, playing on Brian Wilson). I got the second installment of their BLAM cds (first one is bnl are me, this one is bnl are men) and I love it just as much as I loved the first part. Tuesday John had me running with one of the groups he coaches and it was tough, but so good.

Wednesday night Cam and I went out to the bar. We hit up Au Diable Vert and Marc-Andre Grondin was there (he’s on the top of my celebrity list for the very reason that something like this might happen, and also because he is gorgeous and an incredible actor). So I got to dance with him and it was wonderful. I found everyone seemed very taken with me that night, girls and guys alike. I’m something of a novelty there because I speak French almost fluently but I don’t have a Quebecois accent, or a French accent. So everyone likes to talk to me. It’s fun!

Thursday night, Cam found out that the montrealenlumière street festival thing was happening so we went down to the vieux port and had a blast. They had a 120m ice slide! It was wicked fast and I was terrified that my glasses were going to fly off my face. And we had roasted chestnuts and tire d’érable sur neige and lait au chocolat chaud and lait à l’érable and there were these fire pit things and we roasted sausages and marshmellows and we danced to the live DJ and hung out in the sphere of warmth (literally). There was also some snow volleyball happening and the bungie-trampoline things that you see at the CNE, but we didn’t partake in those. And there were some buskers (I guess) who were dressed up in a way that made me think of Spy vs. Spy, although I’m not sure if that’s what they were going for. They were skulking around and sometimes they had their flares lit. It was wierd, but neat. It was great fun! And after all that Cam and I went to get him some poutine cause he had never had any. We left earlyish the next morning. All and all a great week.

Next episode: Friday night in Toronto with le boy and Podcamp Toronto! Plus some discussion of what the plan is. For now, I need to get some rest.

Réflexions diverses

“L’amour aussi bien que le feu ne peut subsister sans un mouvement continuel; et il cesse de vivre dès qu’il cesse d’espérer ou de craindre.”

I know it’s been awhile. Things have been… up in the air. Undecided. So I’ve decided. I’m moving to Montreal and that’s all there is. There is still much planning to be done, but it’s exciting. I feel like I don’t really have a plan anymore, but I love it. I’ve made a decision but it’s still so open. I was helping out taking down and putting up posters across campus and I had that same feeling… I knew what I was doing and somehow I was getting there, with some help from friends, and discovering a whole new world along the way (who knew the science buildings would have such cool things in them!) I just feel like that’s how things have been recently. Nothing is the same, and yet it’s not really that different. I’m not going to the gym anymore, but I’m swimming and running again. I’m still ridiculously busy, but it’s not all school and work. I’m going out and doing a whole bunch of things I haven’t done in quite some time… lazer tag, bowling, plays, concerts, drinking with friends, playing videogames. And I’ve been… living. Everytime I go to write about it… I just can’t get it into words. And that is usually when I’m most happy. So I think that’s good.

I’ve also been finding how small the world is. So many people I have met recently have some sort of other connection to me. It’s nice to have things in common with perfect strangers. It makes them a little less strange, a little more perfect. I know the a lot of times opposites attract, and in many ways I think that applys, but I think it’s also important to understand where someone else is coming from and some things you just can’t understand without being a part of it. Ok, that’s a bit vague, but I think it’s valid. I’m also finding a place where I can say what I mean, without it being overtly blunt. It’s not that I’m sugar coating, I just I’m just getting better at being… a little more sensitive to the reactions people have to my honesty. Which is great, cause it also makes me feel more capable of being honest about everything. And of course I still have my moments of “Wow, I probably shouldn’t have said THAT out loud” but they’re becoming fewer in number. But I think it helps that the people I’ve been spending time with are more about the present and the future. The past is good for stories and learning from our mistakes so that we can make things better next time, but it can’t stop us from trying. Did you know I like olives now? I hated olives for years. I’m still not big on the green ones, but I actually LIKE black olives. It’s wierd.

Anyway. I’m happy. I’m not in a rush to get to the next thing. But I also don’t want to stay here forever. I’m really liking the motion right now. Good speed, good road, good direction… and definitely some good company. And I don’t know if that’s what has made the difference, but I’m not looking a gift horse in the mouth. I’m just going to ride this for as long as I can.

“La sincérité est une overture de coeur, qui nous montre tels que nous sommes; c’est un amour de la vérité, une répugnance à se déguiser, un désir de se dédommager de ses défauts, et de les diminuer même par le mérite de les avouer.” – La Rochefoucauld

So back to school, back to work. Sort of. Mark’s been off for the last week and he took an extra day off today as well. Hopefully I’ll be getting some real shifts in at the library soon, cause I’m only working 2 days a week at the falafel place.

Haven’t heard anything about Normandy. I think I didn’t get it. I’m gonna start filling out forms for the RCMP, although I don’t think that’s what I’m going to do. One of my profs just gave me some info about a student Ontario-Quebec job exchange thing for the summer. Apparently I still qualify for it even though I won’t be in school after April. It just matters that I’m a student now. Hopefully I’ll be able to request a placement in Montreal, but somewhere else in Quebec might be fun too. It seems the deadline for everything is January 29th…

I’m looking forward to Podcamp Toronto, hopefully all this toque business will be solved by the end of the week, but we’ll see. I’m also looking forward to being a bridesmaid in September. It’s a ways away, but there has been discussion of weddinglike things and it’s kinda nice.

It’s hard to keep a positive attitude sometimes… I feel like things are going so slow, but it also feels like time just keeps creeping up on me and my life at university (well, at Mac anyway) is coming to an end. It’s strange, but satisfying. If it were slippery it’d be like eating grub (that’s right, I totally just quoted The Lion King). I also feel like I don’t have a lot of close friends, but when I think about all the cool folks I know, even peripherally, I’m amazed at the variety of people in my life and the connections I have through them. Sometimes I feel like I could do anything with my life and I would be able to manage just fine, but other times just managing doesn’t seem good enough. I want to do what I really love. But I haven’t really figured out what that is yet. So I’m trying to keep all my doors open and follow all the leads… You can go wrong with possibilities.

Joyeux noël

The RCMP package came in the mail. I’ll be hearing back about Normandy in the next few weeks. My post-Mac life will be decided in the next month or so.

Christmas was good. I’ll post more later. Possibly with pictures. Woo.